Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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