Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
