I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
