I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
