he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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