so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
