Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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