He is an equal opportunity slut.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My vagina is officially offended.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
