im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
