Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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