My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Too much gin, very little bucket
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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