also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
