You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
