so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We left the knife in your bed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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