ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
