sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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