it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
