I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
