i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
