Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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