At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize