i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just threw up on my dentist
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
