My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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