I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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