kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
