So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
