if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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