I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
