I'm pants shitting drunk right now
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Are my feet made of real feet?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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