you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
