It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
