Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
