This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
