I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
