i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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