i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
