Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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