Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
