you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
