Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
