so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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