I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
