If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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