he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
