you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
