return my video game
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
