She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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