I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize