R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
