i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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