How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
