You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
don't judge my taste in strippers
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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