Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
