Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
