Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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