I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
