Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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