Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
