is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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