Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
